The Story of Tricky Dick Nixon.

Now we all know the story of Tricky Dick Nixon. We all know how he was a raging asshole and how he almost caused a nuclear holocaust by teabagging Leonid Brezhnev at an arms proliferation summit in 1974. Can you really blame him, though? Those damned Russian names are impossible to pronounce. You have all those consonants coming at you from crazy angles, and the vowels are never where they're supposed to be. Don't even get me started on the written language. What is that shit? Babytalk? Dag nabbit! Get it together, Russia! 

Anyhow what many of us don't know is that Tricky Dick Nixon didn't get his name by being an irrepressible buttmunch. No, poor Tricky Dick suffered from priapism. That's right, boys and girls, old Tricky Dick Nixon had a rock hard boner twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, three hundred and sixty five days a year. Now don't let that Greek fucker Pan fool you, priapism is a sad, unhappy disease. Tricky Dick was ashamed to stand up. I mean, you try and address a joint session of Congress with a raging hardon. Everybody can see that stuff happen. I mean, you're trying to explain why we need to abolish the gold standard and right in the front you can see Henry Kissinger staring at your junk the whole time. Not paying attention to a word you're saying. Just watching your crotch like an old lady at a slot machine. 

So you see, Tricky Dick Nixon never knew if people were really listening to him or just watching his turgid member, expecting it to sing a show tune or do a card trick or who knows what. So you know, cut Tricky Dick Nixon some slack. He had a hard time.